aka: Ripper, Rips, Pipes, Pipey man, Ripey pipes, Shipey sheep, Pip, Information Minister, Mincer, gay
Year: Smashed to pieces
Previous clubs: Belmont Preparatory School 4’ths, 3’s Glory maker
Profile: Never ever from the side.
aka: The Kebab
Year: Final year
Position: Back row
Previous clubs: South West U16, England U16 trial, South West U18, called up for England A U18 unable to play due to injury, Finalist Daily Mail Cup 1998 (RGS High Wycombe), United Hospitals tour Canada 1999 player of tour, Capt Imperial Medicals 2002-3
Profile: Contrary to popular belief I am not turkish and my dad does not work in the kebab shop on fulham palace road. He works on tv box sets malaysia shop. I do however eat for greece and have a good appetite so a few kebabs pass my way during the course of a week. I am by far the best looking of the forwards and hence get punched the most. I am hoping to actually get into the 1st XV after an indulgent elective in NZ,Oz and FIJI.
Year: 2nd (finally)
Position: In the bar
Weight: can’t find scales that go high
Previous clubs: no one wanted me
Profile: I like Freshers. Freshers like uncle AJ. Uncle Aj likes being a Fresher.
||Mohammed Clive Bailey
Previous clubs: Bride Valley young farmers, Bridport, Dorset/wiltshire and England Young farmers 18 group.
Profile: Moe is the only centre ever who manages to mix the skills and physical presence of a prop with the pace of tetraplegic tortoise. Not really very good at rugby but at home in a milking parlour, a very average addition to the club.
aka: Gayliss, victim
Year: Final year
Position: Water boy
Previous clubs: I was bummed regulary at Merchant Tailors, I will also tell you that I was asked to play for saracens developement, which if you ever saw me play is a blatant lie
Profile: I am a real playboy and if they are freshers and drunk they are my bitches. My joint-idol is robbie williams and justin timberlake, both of whom I can sing better than. In my spare time I read diet books and play with my belly. I love getting shoed by my mates and have a habit of dribling in my sleep. My perfect woman is a half greek half australian, brunette.
||John Blair (Supposedly)
Year: 3rd somehow
Weight: 15st7lb; this season 13st6lb
Previous clubs: Played for a couple of Birmingham sides that he is v.proud of, but no-one else has heard of/cares about.
Profile: His new Position as Captain of the third team has meant that he views all the other members of the club not in his team as inferior. Having said this his chubby rosy cheeks do bring a smile to all when he enters the bar (if you want to see his smile get bigger, just buy him a double gin!) and his foolish drunken antics (especially involving certain blonde girls in the third year) have amused one and all. In conclusion an amusing yet horrid man
Position: Front or Back row
Previous clubs: Bolton U16s (where my girlfriends school mates now play), still known to visit the local brownies
Profile: Andy Brown, not much can be said in defence of this gentleman, not even by himself as no one can understand his restricted vocabulary.
Year: BSc ‘supps science’
Weight: 15 stone
Previous clubs: St Ives
Profile: As this year’s maximuscle liason officer Graham has been striving to introduce the team to the world of sups. Somewhat foolishly Graham is on a rigorous and potentially renal-failure inducing cocktail of 12 different supplements. These will hopefully aid Graham in his rugby this year, where we may possibly witness him tackling.
aka: Goober, Goobers, Gubba etc.
Weight: 17 stone
Previous clubs: Middx.
Profile: Best from the right
aka: Pick a name; ‘The Human’;’the human gurner’;’Steven’;’Stef’;’Radar’
Position: Pick a number, any number between 9 and 15
Height: 6ft 1
Previous clubs: Windsor rugby club, Berks.
Profile: Best from the side (See above:Radar)
Previous clubs: Kirkham Grammar School; Lancashire u16/u16; offered trial by London Nigerians (qualification by paternal grandfather)
Profile: Formerly a lightning quick try scoring machine now part of the coaching setup trying to nurture the fabulous young talent coming through the ranks of the mighty medics, especially in the back three positions. Have also accepted a contract to act as a tour manager for the all important (and age old) Cornwall tour.
aka: safari, my special friend, bitch
Height: Less than wino
Weight: 11 stone, roughly
Previous clubs: of note! 1 award from wellington boarding school – ask my special friend
Profile: lance is a fun try anything once kind of lad. he has really enjoyed med school espcialy the gin. in fact he told me how he really enjoys recieving it in large obscene amounts where ever he is! he also mentioned how disappointed he is in the fact that the majority of more important people in the rugby club are rubbish at drinking.
Height: Pretty Short
Weight: Fairly Fat
Profile: The best looking man in the club. By a long way…
aka: MSc Gay Simon
Previous clubs: Loughborough U21s, Loughborough Rugby League; some prestigious 7s team
Profile: A great poach for the club, our closet geek Simon (MSc Immunology!?) is very handsome so compensates for the other 40 players. Knows Sports Science in profusion, not much about gin. Will be a steep learning curve for him!
Position: centre/flanker/all-round badass
Height: 5 foot 9 (and three-quarters)
Weight: 13st7 (ish)
Previous clubs: Kent U18s; Berkshire U16s; Blackheath Colts; Eltham College & Douai School 1st XVs (nb. also have certificate for swimming 2 lengths and retrieving brick from the bottom of the pool, got the badge sewn on me trunks an everything)
Profile: while still having difficulties in finding my place in the club (too hard to be a back, too pretty to be a forward) i have come to the conclusion that this season i shall play by myself (as opposed to Gurner who will be playing with himself) in the all new ICSMRFC 4th I. when not bringing you my particular brand of sexy rugby i enjoy long walks, watching romantic sunsets, amateur hairdressing, ballroom dancing, running my backstreet abortion clinic/crack den on my estate in battersea, wearing sarongs (but only manly ones), andalusian folk music, badger baiting, and being ginger. lots of love, willy (the littlest big man)
aka: Moz, Weird boy, Guns, One night wonder
Year: 2nd (again)
Height: More than Logan
Weight: Less than Logan
Previous clubs: Herefordshire U15
Profile: Go to live tv app
Position: 2nd Row
Previous clubs: St.Benedict’s 1stXV, IC Queers 1stXV (capt)
Profile: I can’t seem to pass exams, not just cos I’m stupid but also cos my alcohol intake is similar to that of a small country. Playing may be hard for me this year as I have become quite depressed recently after Chad went down on my ex-girlfriend, and my 3rd perforation seems imminent.
Height: 6ft 3in
Previous clubs: Warwick School RFC
Profile: Raised in “The Good Old US of A” till the age of 13 I found it difficult to play the game of rugby until I learned how to throw the ball backwards rather than forwards. Since this day, not all that long ago, I have become hooked on the sport of rugby. I have yet to suffer any long-term physical/emotional injuries since joining ICSMRFC, except from having to share a bed with Goubs (see player profile) on a sevens tour.
aka: Readie, Skeletor
Height: 6ft 6 or 2m
Previous clubs: Kent County
Profile: I have a BMI of 0.002
aka: The Chad
Year: 2nd year (ha ha)
Position: 2nd Row
Weight: 500lb (40 stone)
Previous clubs: England u16/u19/u21; Wellington Hurricanes super 12’s team; British lions
Profile: I am awesome.
aka: Chad, Road Trip, Gyppo
Position: Full Back/ Injured due to a freak skeleton of glass injury
Height: A well known 6’3″
Weight: 13 stone and a half
Previous clubs: Yorkshire schools for 5 minutes until breaking something.
Profile: Would say that I am very, very, very good looking! That Chad he’s so hot right now! Chad! Also known as the man that will accept responsibility and organize teams and referees without any fuss! Will also be blamed for all of Phil’s behaviour on nights out and of course the fact that he puked all over his room! It is importtant to point out that I am in the second year and that I will be passing this one and not do what is ore commonly known in the trade as a Pon. Joshua.
aka: Sergei Bollinov, Maxi-Pie, Dog, Pies, Unit, Saf
Position: Back row or Utlity back
Previous clubs: Eastern Counties XV, Cambridgeshire U16’s, Wisbech Gammar School 1st XV, Wisbech RFC 2nd XV, West Norfolk RFC U18’s, Team Pie, Russia
Profile: I am currently training for the world bear wrestling championships in St Petersburg. I will need to get to a weight of 120 Kg (265 Pounds) so have started taking Maxi-Pie, the only true supplement endorsed by the pIeOC. My birthday is celebrated up to 8 times a year so I hope you can make one of them.
aka: Duncan From Blue, Prop
Position: Scrum-half (though the heaviest person in the club)
Previous clubs: England U18s, Cambridge LX club, generally awesome
Profile: Shot to fame with his intial hit ‘All Rise’, duncan has found himslef pulled back to earth by his club. An great asset to the club this season, joining from Cambridge, has added a brash element to the back line as many a ref/oppostion has discovered. Many redeeming freatures, especially his legs.
aka: Spiegs/ Baron
Year: 6 and a half
Height: 6ft 5
Previous clubs: Radley College / England under 16+18 Final Trial / All conquering side of 98/99
Profile: ‘Gentle Ben’, well manered and polite off the pitch, a raging bull on the pitch. Protector of weak, defenceless backs as witnessed in the 2002 UH Cup where he marched into the rescue and spent the remainder of the game as a spectator! Previously had a slight training attendence problem whereby one past captain quipped “The only way to get him to training regularly would be to make him Captain.” Ben Spiegelberg was Imperial Medicals Captain for 2001-2002 season.
aka: Porn Star
Position: Scrum-half or forced onto the wing
Profile: With all the competition for scrum half within the club nowadays NIck has found himself forced onto the wing, and having played a few games out there has discovered that he runs like a giraffe (especially noticeable at the recent UH 7s). His usual habitat is around the fringes of rucks and mauls trying to take on opposition twice his size.
aka: Bitch Daddy McMasters/ed, Deviant
Position: Wing, Full back, injured
Weight: 85kg of biomax protein
Previous clubs: Spent PE lessons being buliied, so spent most of his time as the staff room toast rack
Profile: Probably the best player in the Club, but has a canny knack of being involved in other people’s mistakes/bad play. Consequently, he never seems to play well. But he IS good. Generally prone to injury (c.f. Hendy, Phil), so rents his mind out to the devil as a workshop. Loyal to Maximuscle, Big Club and Save the whales
Position: Scrum half
Height: 6ft 6”
Previous clubs: bollox all
Profile: can’t pass or box kick. Only play scrum half because of size problems.
aka: Monkey; Jobs; Homunculus; Handjob
Height: 6ft 2
Previous clubs: Reading Comprehensive Special Needs 2nd XV
Profile: No one exemplifies the benefit of simian/human cross breeding more than our Jon- he can metabolise beer to muscle yet eggs and milk will kill him. He seems a little on edge this season- is it the strain of captaincy or possibly his bloated pituitary changing his personality?
aka: Garry; Gaz
Position: Fly Half/ Centre
Height: 5ft 10
Weight: Little bit pies
Previous clubs: Plymouth College
Profile: A glittering talent, Garry lives true to the saying ‘a man drinks to mix with his idiots’. Or rather ‘I’ll drink till I sleep where I drop’. Interestingly, he has a very rare bony deformity in his ankle that will one day require surgery.
aka: Jonnie Ward, Crash test dummy
Previous clubs: St Paul’s Firsts
Profile: Despite using mummy’s influence to gain a place in med school young jonnie has proven himself a valuable member of the club, and has been rewarded with this season’s 2nd team captain. A great start to the season with a convincing win against Brunel, was marred when Jonnie crashed his bike in front of his team mates at a bus stop. We wish him a speedy recovery and best of luck with the insurance.
||James Clayton Watchorn
aka: Robot; Stallion; Babe
Height: 5ft 6
Previous clubs: Bungay RFC; National Farmer’s Union; Redneck Academicals
Profile: This year’s club captain, Jim packs on huge slabs of muscle through a mixture of primative farm resistance training and 21st Century supplimentation. Give him the power of Jim Beam Whiskey, his redneck morals shine through and he soon becomes a really nasty fellow.
aka: Andrew Cowie
Previous clubs: Wellington College, Berkshire
Profile: As the son that Dave Rollit has always wished for I can usually be found on the recieving end of most of the Silver Fox’s praise and encouragement both on and off the pitch.
Position: Full back
Previous clubs: Brynteg Comprehensive School Bridgend Crawshays Youth South West Wales XV
Profile: Huw has refused to unleash his personality this side of the border, so puts all his effort into being a talented fullback. After med school he plans to retire to the valleys and work as a shepherd/create single mothers.
aka: Willo, Fat head
Previous clubs: UWC 1st XV, Singapore Aliens, Singapore U20s, South-East Asian ladyboys 7s, Wanderers RFC
Profile: It’s all about the pins